A boundary is a structure that a person puts in place to keep good things in their life, and keep bad things out of their life. Notice that a boundary is something YOU put in place. Sharing what you want others to do or what you believe they should do is not a boundary, it is simply expressing your opinion about what you want/need someone else to do. Boundaries help you control yourself, not to control others. Everyone needs boundaries, but not everyone has them. They’re often difficult to put in place, and even more difficult to maintain over time. But just as with any muscle, the more you use healthy boundaries, the more confident you get at utilizing them to keep you at your best.
The primary purpose of boundaries is to keep good in your life, and bad out of your life. Boundaries help a person to be a good steward of their time, energy, and resources (social, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc.). These are your most precious assets. When a person has healthy boundaries, they are more effective in every area of their life. They are a powerful person who is respected and trusted by others. A person with healthy boundaries is genuine and self-disciplined. They live life on their own terms according to their own values, not easily swayed by opinions of others.
Think of boundaries like this. Imagine a garden. A beautiful, lush, garden. It has all different types of fruits and vegetables, as well as a fence and a gate. The fruits and vegetables are like your time, energy, and resources. Many people think that it is most honorable to give away as many fruits and vegetables as possible, and spend much of their time doing so. They give to whoever asks. Although this may seem altruistic at first, let’s take a second glance. Much of the time, a person who gives freely really feels like they are being controlled by the needs/wants of others and very rarely take time take care of themselves. They are too busy giving. When you don’t spend time in your garden taking care of the plants, what happens? Do you end up with more fruits/vegetables, or less? If a garden is not cared for, it inevitably falls into disarray. People who spend all their time giving away their produce and not working in their garden eventually have less and less to give.
A healthy garden is cared for daily. The gardener takes care to water, weed, and fertilize. The gardener also makes sure to have a working fence and gate to keep unwanted animals/people out. Sometimes even pesticides are used to keep insects from eating the plants. The gardener may harvest the produce 1-2x per week, and distribute it purposefully according to need and priorities. The wise gardener will learn who uses their produce for good, and who simply wastes their produce upon receiving it. They will learn where they can direct their resources to be most efficiently utilized for good. And most importantly, a wise gardener makes sure to eat from their garden themselves before giving away their resources. If they do not eat first, they will have no energy to garden tomorrow. This type of pattern, if repeated, would eventually lead to a lack of resources and a faltering garden.
A wise gardener will first evaluate their priorities and assess needs. How much produce is needed to feed myself and my family? How much must I sell in order to pay the bills? How much should I give to the poor, needy, and hungry in my life? A good gardener knows that every year their garden will grow if they take good care of it. As it grows, they will have more and more to give away each year. Their own wealth (i.e. health) will increase as well as that of their family and community. They know there is much joy in giving, and it helps a whole community. But they know their first priority must be to care for their garden, as it is the source of all the good in their life.
As you can now see, taking care of yourself (i.e. your garden) is extremely important. The people in your life who are most effective at home, work, and play are probably spending a significant amount of time caring for their garden. Taking care of a garden takes commitment, and willingness to say “no” to people or activities that waste or fail to appropriately utilize your produce. Take a moment now to think of three ways you can become a “wise gardener” as you manage your time, energy, and resources.
Ryan A. Duckworth, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Hope & Wholeness Psychology Center
