Have you ever said, “I’ve been dwelling on this” or “I’ll dwell on this thought?” Both of these statements come up from time to time. When we say this, most of the time we mean, “I’m thinking about it” or maybe, “I’m daydreaming about,” or in a more negative light “I’m obsessing about something.” However you’ve used them, to most of us it means we’re spending a lot of time thinking about a topic, running it through our minds, and in many cases, reliving the event.
The trouble with “dwelling” is that it’s so much more than a phrase, it is a mindset, and the root of the problem comes from language. Words and thoughts have an amazing meaning. The way we’ve come to use the term, “I’m dwelling on it,” is called idiom, meaning “how a term became used for something other than its definition.” The core of this is “to dwell,” in the literal and original meaning of the term “to dwell” means “to live.”
Your dwelling place is your house, your home, the place you ARE. Think about what your house does: shelters you from a storm, keeps you from being out in the cold or heat, gives a destination or place to return to etc. Houses provide a mailing address, a school district, or location you can state in a record. They provide a gathering place, a neighborhood or cultural identity, permanence, and well, home. Think about what you do in your home: you sleep, you wake up, you eat, you have friends over, you raise children, you dream, sometimes you go out of it, but you always return to it. It is not just shelter, its safety and security. In our homes we dream, we grow, we build memories, think about the future, the possibilities, we have hope. But in some cases, home isn’t that. Sometimes it’s not safe. It can be violent, it offers fear, pain, anxiety and loss. Some people feel stuck and unable to move on from that structure.
In terms of the use of “dwelling” in thought, these are also true. Sometimes a thought, or an emotion associated with a thought, have become, what we think is, a permanent address of our existence. We wake up in anxiety, depression, loss, trauma, and we dwell on it. We dwell in it. We feel stuck, and we exist in those times, emotions, or events because our mind is dwelling on the memory. And then the question of “What am I to do?” or feeling of resignation or giving up hope of ever moving beyond that thought begins to take hold.
What are we to do? I’ve found the answer to the question comes in the original use, personally. What do I do when something in my home is in disrepair, or messy? In some cases, it may only take picking up a messy room, doing some laundry or dishes, or going through a storage space. In other cases, it might be a bigger project, a leaky pipe, or water damage, or moving a whole wall. Most often, I can’t just move out, that would be unrealistic and create a whole new set of issues. Maybe I need to assess what needs to be repaired, repainted and if it’s something I can do, or do I need help doing it? Personally, DIY (Do it yourself) hasn’t been great for me thus far – I won’t tackle an electrical job, or plumbing, or major construction – not yet, it’s potentially dangerous for me to do. For those I need a contractor, or handyman, the “I know a guy” guy, can help, but I still have to contact said “guy.”
And then the work starts: talking to the person, letting them know my goals to work on, trusting them. It can get messy. Really messy. Repairs can even make the home feel wrong, unsafe, different for a time, before the repair or renovation even starts. The time frame I expect is typically short sighted and it usually takes longer than I thought. “What did we get into?” I ask myself. The truth is that Work, Repair, Restoration, and Wholeness come with some difficulty, and take time. In some cases, maybe I talk to a friend, partner or loved one to get ideas. Do I need a professional? In many cases it takes a therapist, counselor, or another professional to walk along side of you, and time to work on that change. The difference here is they are not “fixing you,” you are making incremental changes to renovate the room in which you have been dwelling. They can provide tools and instruction, but you get to wield those tools. The work can seem overwhelming, scary, or too much. It’s often messy and brings about other areas you didn’t realize need to be addressed first, or soon after. But in the end, it is beautiful, and you can own it, call it yours, and feel free and sit in room, on a porch, in a mindset, with joy, contentment and peace.
For many of us, knowing where to start can seem daunting so here are a few questions to ask yourself as a starting point.
What do I dwell on? Take time to journal and recognize thoughts or events you come back to and ask yourself if you have regret, resentment, loss, anger – what emotion do you attach to it? How is it negatively impacting my progress in life?
What can I be grateful for? Take some time to write down things you are grateful for but don’t limit yourself by numbering (3,5,10 things) rather free write and when you have exhausted things to be grateful for, then go back and number if you are so inclined.
Do I have a support system to help me process this like a friend, mentor, or spiritual leader, or would professional help? Consider and seek out a therapist, or a counselor.
Is there someone I know I need to forgive? Do I want to? Do I need to?
If you find these to apply to you and what you are dwelling on, the counselors here at Hope and Wholeness would love to work with you!
